Susie

It was a Friday night, I was four pints down and returning from a fun evening down at the Vesta Boat Club in London, watching the fireworks display in Fulham from the balcony.

I get home to a strange text message:

Hi. Susie from Elite here. All set for Tim tomorrow. Any last minute requests?

It's from a number I don't recognise. My heart sinks - it appears as though someone coming to my party tomorrow has hired some kind of dirty stripper or escort or something. Up until now the party has been entirely within my control - now events are overtaking me and anything could happen. It's not a nice feeling.

But I'm puzzled. Firstly, why would the message have come to me? And secondly which of my friends have failed to know me so badly that they would feel I might actually appreciate that kind of humiliation. Mind comes up blank, so I sleep on it.

In the morning, the only thing I can think of is the "Fat-o-gram" I once witnessed at a big party - a thoroughly unpleasant fat woman came along and took all her clothes off in front of the "lucky" host. No-one was particularly amused.

In an attempt to get to the bottom of it, I rattle off a text message to the top 10 candidates on my list of prankster mates...

Now very concerned about the text below I received last night. Know anything I should?
Hi. Susie from Elite here. All set for Tim tomorrow. Any last minute requests?

It helped to share the anxiety and when all I got were replies protesting innocence, I sent my text to more and more people (including those I had absolutely no reason to be suspicious of).

Here's some of the responses:

From a concerned Chris:

Bloody hell Tim! Maybe Mark knows something? I know Lizzie was organising a whip round but that doesn't sound right

From Mark Stitson:

I think it sounds great! Unfortunately not to do with me! Looking forward to tonight with or without Susie!

Gareth:

Wow. That looks exciting! I know nothing. See you later

Widening the search to the girls... from Joss:

Oddly enough I don't know anything about a girl from Elte but understand why you might be concerned... try the boys?

From Ross:

Nowt I know about... honest! Susie sounds like fun. Feyzan says wear your best boxers!

Getting more and more concerned, when Chris and Rhian turn up at my flat, I tell them I'm pretty nervous about what's going to happen. Having played along all day long, Chris looks at Rhian and says "Shall we tell him?".

I can't believe it - the two of them have completely set me up.

Later on:

Apologies, Susie is off sick today, replacement for Tim's party is Jelena. Hope costume is satisfactory following our communication. Elite.

It turns out Chris was in the pub on Friday night and used his friend's phone to send the message. He even had her primed incase I chose to call back. They thought they'd gone a bit far when I said it would ruin my "classy" party but they held their nerve and pulled off a very successful prank.

Bastards.